Before I even had the capacity to form memories, my parents began taking me to Mommy and Me music classes. My dad comes from a family of natural born performers and musicians, including himself. By trade he’s a piano tuner, but his musical knowledge and skills extend even beyond the piano to other instruments. My mom grew up having taken violin lessons and singing, knowing the basics of music. Somewhere in my blood the knack for music flows through me.
Among the toys my brother and I had to play with as kids were recorders, harmonicas, xylophones, pianos, keyboards, guitars, and microphones. We were encouraged to explore music, learn about it, and perform. I grew up going to Broadway shows every year, and I always loved them. In our Honda Odyssey, we had a TV, and I can remember watching the Hairspray movie with Zac Efron over and over again. This was one of my favorite musicals growing up. I bet my parents could recite that whole movie without having any idea what’s going on on the screen.
Many different years for Christmas we woke up to a karaoke machine, an electronic drum set, or a keyboard in the house. Even though my parents didn’t listen to much music themselves, around the house or in the car, knowing how to play music was a huge value for them. I began by taking piano lessons when I was six, and the same year I was the “star” of the first-grade play, with my own solo. Singing became my focus, as I continued taking piano lessons in school. I loved music class, I loved chorus, I loved learning, reading, and hearing music. It rushed through my body. I began taking singing lessons along with my piano lessons, and began training my voice for the first time. I once had a voice teacher in middle school who told me I was particularly good at doing what he told me. I was able to take his direction and immediately implement it into my voice. This was something I was always proud of, not only in singing but also in sports. Taking direction and immediately being able to get my body to do what was asked of me.
One summer, either my parents or I found this drama workshop camp. It was a serious workshop for kids interested in theater, that rehearsed and performed in a college auditorium at the end of the summer. I remember it was the first time I actually had to audition for something, and I was so nervous. I remember being so sad after I sang poorly, not having had the habit of waking up my voice or “preparing” for an audition. I do remember nailing my dance audition. I had started doing gymnastics practically when I started walking, so my control over my body was always particularly attuned. I owe most of my athletic ability to having done gymnastics so early. I am so grateful for that.
The show was Godspell, which I had never heard of before. We got binders filled with the script, score, and other notes. We went to this college everyday to rehearse different parts of the show over the course of many weeks. I absolutely loved it. It fueled something inside of me. Mixing a summer camp with dancing, singing, acting, and socializing, was so fulfilling for me and all of these talents I had. If you know Godspell at all, the show’s music is fantastic. Even reading the sheet music is a trip. Being given our parts and rehearsing together with other students, without a band, made the music just come to life piece by piece. Adding in blocking, choreography, and the set was just such a great new experience for me. Seeing what goes on behind a show first-hand was eye-opening.
The next summer I did another show with the same workshop, and it was Cinderella. I remember not having a good audition yet again, but somehow, my dance audition was so good that I was selected as a featured dancer, having not danced in years. I was so proud of myself, and even though I wasn’t super interested in dancing, being featured with extra choreography and numbers was so fun. I was also doing my school’s shows at the time, but the experience was not even comparable to what I considered to be such a high-class workshop. Around this time, Hamilton was on broadway. My brother and I would listen to the soundtrack over and over again in the car and sing along together. My parents clearly are the most supportive people to have put up with shitty singing for YEARS in the car.
When I got to high school, I started to think musical theater just “wasn’t cool”. I think I lost interest for it in general, but my opinion also turned negative. I was much more focused on sports, that I left theater behind. I continued singing in the choir and in acapella groups. I had a few solos here and there in acapella and biannual performances in the choir. Even though I had stopped acting and doing shows, I still loved singing and performing. I was still in the music scene. I even took music theory classes in school and finally got the full education in music I was always working towards. All of my friends at the time were musical, too, so it was fun to sing and perform alongside them.
When I got to college so many things in my life changed. I lost the majority of my identity and who I thought I was before 2020. I loved myself and was so proud of myself up until this point, so I was devastated to feel like I was losing a sense of that. COVID was still fresh when I started school, and many things were not even happening on campus. I stopped singing completely. To this day, I haven’t really performed since high school. I had that same feeling of wanting to leave this musical part of me behind that I had in high school with theater. It didn’t really feel like something I wanted to continue in college, so I didn’t. I was out of touch with myself, in a new environment.
My best friend and boyfriend were also not musical theater people. And when I say they were not musical theater people, I mean they genuinely do not enjoy musicals, musical theater, or even musical movies. Early in my relationship with my boyfriend I wanted to show him Mamma Mia, the movie. I thought everybody loved that movie. It’s a classic! It’s Mamma Mia! As we were still in a new relationship, we weren’t as comfortable with each other as maybe was necessary. I remember feeling so embarrassed that I was even showing him this movie, I had to stop it and turn it off before we were even halfway through. I had never felt ashamed of something I enjoyed. It wasn’t even his fault, I could just feel this sense of non-enjoyment from him that made me feel so embarrassed for thinking it would be something we could watch together. We never watched a musical together again.
It wasn’t until my junior year when I took a drum class (djembé), that everything in me was reawakened. I took the class because it was listed as a class you had to take at our university before graduating. So, I decided why not. I bought my djembé on Amazon, and headed to the first day of class. I loved the teacher, I loved the music, I loved practicing and rehearsing again like I had grown up doing all the time. I was reading music again, for the first time in years. Even though the class wasn’t particular designed for musical people, it was so much fun to be using my mind and body to play music again. I got really into the college bands at school, and was always hunting down live music at our bars. My bucket list goal was to sing in a band in college, which sadly never happened. I’m still sad I never got to do that; I just didn’t put in the commitment or time to making it happen. I have always been a musical person and proud of it. This part of me just hasn’t been central to my life in so long.
The reason I was even inspired to write about this history of mine is because of Wicked. Everything I see on social media is about Wicked these days. I remember seeing the show on Broadway when I was younger. It’s truly the touchstone musical in my eyes. Right now in Martinique, I’m not living with my best friend who judges musicals altogether, and I’m not seeing my boyfriend everyday who dislikes musicals. I always felt weird for enjoying musical theater around them, which influenced me to stop listening to musicals throughout all of college. I even had an old musical theater playlist on Spotify that I kept private from my profile. When I was in college, I saw Lea Michele as Fannie Brice in Funny Girl, which if you know anything about Lea Michele or Funny Girl, you know is so special. I remember crying watching her perform People and Don’t Rain on my Parade. To my two best friends it was like, nice you’re at a musical! I had nobody to enjoy it with and felt judged for having the interest in the first place.
Wicked coming out and being separated from them has given me my space to reopen my mind and spirit to musical theater. Seeing so many people online who weren’t otherwise theater people loving Wicked reminds me that most people, even those who are not typically into musical theater, can love musicals too. I re-listened to the original Broadway soundtrack of the show and loved it. Then the movie soundtrack came out. Loved it. I started re-listening to all of the old musicals, whose music I loved: Phantom of the Opera, Hairspray, Godspell, Cinderella, Evita, Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton, Waitress. You name it. Being able to freely enjoy and reconnect with this part of my long, long history is so liberating. I have been so much happier being able to just sing along and enjoy all of this music that makes me feel like me again. I am so excited to see Wicked in theaters.
To go on a bit of a tangent, I also grew up obsessed with Ariana Grande. I have loved her since before she was even making music seriously. I watched her on YouTube, I did my hair like hers, I dressed like her. She was my idol as a kid. She’s another part of my history I always loved that both my boyfriend and best friend just always shit on. So, I lost my love for her and her music in college. I’m so happy to see her achieving her dreams in the way that I would someday love to get back into singing or musical theater all together. Being separated from people that can be judgmental about your interests is so important. I don’t think I ever missed my musical theater side or other interests I had before college in the moment. Being removed from the environment has showed me just how much I missed seeing musicals on Broadway, acting, singing, and listening to new shows.
I hope moving forward I can get back into performing again. I was always a performer. Always. Since I took the lead in my first grade play to my djembé performance at the local theater in college, I have loved performing. I have loved music. I have loved instrumentation and collaboration and everything else that goes into it. I’m so happy that Wicked has come out in this time I have to enjoy it and just be. I would love to find some new musical goal, whether it’s recording myself singing, joining a band, performing in some type of production, or even just exploring new musicals on Broadway. I’m so happy that the show is coming out in a mainstream way at this point in my life and being able to rediscover what once was a huge part of my life.